Note

Sometimes, what we really want is to feel important so somebody. To someone. Where in the middle of the day, when you least expect it, when everything is going turmoil, everything is spiraling to a downwards direction, you receive a message, you receive a call, you see somebody you weren't expecting - a thoughtful message, hearing one's wonderful voice, a hug, a kiss, anything that will dwell in the positive that will keep you up for the rest of the day. Heck, for the rest of the week.

Doesn't have to be when you feeling down, better when you're feeling great. When you thought you can't get any happier and then THAT happens. When that dumb smile can't ever be removed. When every minute you remember it and always be nostalgic about it.

I want that. Everybody does. Sometimes when you do it to the person you love, you expect that everything is rainbows and unicorns but no, they wanted it to come from somebody else.

"But don't be sad", I tell myself. Keep on trying until trying will be a routine. Until you get too used to it, it's like an everyday thing that you do like taking a bath. Yawning. Like breathing.

It's her birthday tomorrow. I'm not as excited as I used to. Let's see what happens next.

Unfortunately, I find you attractive.

Love

Sometimes the thing that you most want doesn't happen.

Sometimes the thing that you never expect to happen, does.

You meet thousands of people and none of them really touch you and then you meet this one person then your life is changed.

Forever.

I'm here

Tired as I can be but the thought of possibly seeing you gave me strength. Enough to wait for you for 3 more hours but who's counting? You were sleeping while I'm trying so hard not to give up on waiting.

Then I decided to go home. Not because I gave up. I didn't want to wait long enough that I would hate you for not waking up on time. I wouldn't want to be that guy that would remind you that you have work so you can't be late just so that you'll have that extra time to let me get a glimpse of you.

I miss you but this can't go on forever.

You

I miss you. I don't really need a reason why.

Again

Though going back here again, I wish I can just transfer what I wrote from tumblr. Some of those are really meaningful. Oh well.

better deal with it. This is going to stay with me now. No more turning back and/or changing into something else again.

Back

Can't really put anything important in Tumblr. Anyways. This feels right.

I have been trying to behave these past few weeks now. Trying to get back that committed feeling. No fooling around, no flirting and no anything that can harm or break a relationship.

I do not have a girlfriend but I do have someone close to that description. That's how I see her and that's why I'm trying to be good.

This is me again trying to do something for someone who doesn't even feel the same about me. It's alright. It's just to better myself. That's how I think she feels.

This is for you, woman.

A couple of years has passed. Still the same person.

A new job and met new people. Am I starting over? I might be. Why am I going back here? I don't know. This blog looks more peaceful. Though it's black, I'd rather not change it or might just revert the colors.

...

A new week is going to start. Shift just changed. Now it's 4 pm to 1 am. Got to get the body ready for the stressful beating.

...

It's amazing that I can still access this. I'll think about if I'm going to go back here or just test this shit one more time. Most probably, I'll just change the theme on the tumblr account and then stay there. But we'll see.

Moving on? EASIER than counting 1, 2, 3.

After a lifetime of miscalculations, errors, misconceptions, everything ended in a surprise.

I was, trying to act miserable, thinking what I have lost now and tomorrow but the phrase, "trying to act miserable" was already aloof.

What was wrong was that I keep on thinking about the good parts of our relationship. But when I think about the bad parts of it. It'll just make me want to kill someone. Slowly. Painfully.

Things really ended in a surprise. After a very good Saturday, a wonderful Sunday morning, she just ended it in the afternoon. Yes, we've been fighting alot since I have trust issues with her. But you can't blame me. She fucking fucked her fucking ex on fucking new year's. So It'll be hard for me to trust her. Of course she has to make up for it. I took her back. And that was a really big part of me that I gave away.

Going on..

There I was, asking her why, but the only reason she gave me was because we're both having a hard time. True. But now, looking back, I think it was just on impulse why I tried to convince her back when I know, deep inside I actually felt relieved.

Now, it's going to be hard for me to believe in fairy tales of forever, lifetimes, and endless descriptions of love, trust, commitment and whatnot.

It's just me. I don't think she really wanted this relationship anyway. I looked like a consolation prize for a broken seven year relationship. ZING!

Closer

My heart seems to be separated from me. I used to do everything logically.
Now it's out of control. Emotionally unstable. Hopelessly wondering what's next.

I'm feeling tired. But that's no reason to stop.

I have loved, given love, expressed love more than I can give to myself.

I have sacrificed and will sacrifice more.

Not leaving anything behind.

So if all would end, I've tried my best and has given everything. To erase the question 'what if?' when it all comes down.

I'm rotting away..

I just want to feel your love so bad. Rain on me. Wash me with.
I'm still wishing. I'm still hoping.

I want to marry you. I want you to be my wife. I love you.

It's just how it is

I'm shattered into a million pieces..

Again, this is my fate.

It'll be a while before I can pick everything up.

Or maybe I should stop fixing myself? And maybe.. Maybe it'll be easier to just not love anymore.

Here I am.

Again on a cliff. Thinking if it'll hurt less if I just jump down and vanish or to just climb down through jagged rocks and sharp stones - get bruised, get cut, get hurt slowly..




I'm too young to feel this old..

It's the "it"

Just thought of reading it again.. I'm feeling it right now..

Whoever can read this, I'll post something soon..

So for now, leave me be. It's going to be a long one..

We'll see

"Why nga pala work ka pa, diba after this semester, alis ka na? Pano work mo?"

"Oh, did I tell you about that?.. I might not.."

"Sabi mo lang sa kanila nung Saturday and parang nasabi din yata ni Jane."

"Ah. Ayun.. I might not. My mom asked me if I still wanted to pero.. Yun.. I want to take my chances here again.. Start over."

"Might not? Pero you need to go back there, right? Don't you think you're risking too much if nag-stay ka dito? What if mas okay dun?"

"I don't think I'm risking too much if nagstay ako rito.. I'm feeling na I'm risking too much if I leave. There are a lot of reasons why I want to leave and there are alot of reasons why I want to stay.. And since I'm already here, then it's better to just go with the things and the people around me. If everything doesn't work out, then maybe I'll leave."

"Siguro excited ka lang sa work mo. I don't know. Ikaw lang naman may alam sa mga reasons mo. But do you think that they're enough para magstay ka dito? If it's your family, enough reason na yun for you to stay."

"It's enough.. Family is one. I have several reasons why I want to stay here and those reasons aren't going to be topped with those hundred reasons why I want to go."

Disappointment

I can't help when sometimes, you have this thing called "a plan" with that someone you expect to be with. I get excited so easily, I think ahead of myself too much and I can't help it.

It's sad. To think that talking to someone is actually easy. I've gotten too relaxed and it's just the second time we saw each other, or hung out, or what not.
But why the hell am I checking my phone every five minutes waiting for a message?
And if ever that happens, why am I wishing that the message came from her?

Fuck. This is depressing.

The monsters that're eating me from the inside are creeping out again. I was tired but I had to talk to someone. I had to be with someone. I needed company. I was hoping it was from her, but I'm asking too much. I had my company but it wasn't enough.

Situations so hard to explain, so hard to understand, but so easily experienced.
She's a relief. She's a comfort zone. And I can't stop smiling when she's around.

Leave me be.

Cruz, Dan: "Have you ever been excited into spending some time with someone when eventually, they cancel it because of this and that but you were okay about it, being understanding and all, but at the end of the day you feel so empty?"

Buendia, Krisi: Oo naman. You like someone so much na to the point na you will just understand everything they say and think it's okay kahit na hindi naman on your part. Partly.

[insert dan emoticon here]

hyp⋅o⋅crite

I can't understand why you ask for advice and eventually end up at the "wrong" side. It's stupid.

It's stupid how when you put things in your head, everything else is false.

You don't listen.

I want to talk to you about it but you only answer to your "God".

You say you hate this, hate that, but unconsciously, you're the one who's actually doing the same shit over and over again. Don't you learn from mistakes? Humans learn from their mistakes, what does that make you?

I don't know why I'm so frustrated.

But I guess we have to get along, right?

All of the help, advices, and all the right choices laid in front of you, you still choose to be wrong. I mean, what the hell? Aaaaaah..

Note: This is none of my business. But this is my blog. Later on, I'll be laughing about this.

It's this feeling again.
Hard to explain-i-need-gestures-so-that-i-could-explain-better kind of situations. It always ends up as me, sitting under the dark sky, smoking, and my mind is on turbo. Feeling lonely. The usual shit. I can't seem to find any reasons to post something that's about an event that made me happy.. Thesis is tiring, friends that I usually hangout with are slipping away a centimeter at a time. I mean, come on, everybody has issues, deal with it. One moment they're fun to be with, the next minute, they're emotionally dead.

I'm looking forward to having coffee this Saturday. At least I have that. Drinking alcohol is not as fun anymore. Sad stories are recalled every time you pop open a cap.

Shit..

Where'd my life go off to?

I used to have fun all the time. Now, everything seems dull. Gray.

Nothing at all is new. I need company. I think that's it.

Now I'm hungry again.

Of all the people

"We're not supposed to do this."

Not like any straightforward rejection. Like somebody's telling you to stop, because she couldn't. Only to make you realize that what the both of you are doing is wrong because people are going to be affected by it..

I don't want to.

"She's my friend."

I don't care.

Somebody hugged me for real this time.
And this time, somebody was glad to be with me. Or as I thought.

Am I going to stop this?
I longed for this and here I am, being stupid and unfair to everything again.
This is what I want.

Then why am I stopping myself from having it?

I hate it when my mind takes over what my heart feels.
I ignore my emotions and tend to disregard the truth.
I hate it when I easily fall for someone who can easily show my worth.

But then again, it's her words that I'm too afraid of.
She told me again;

"We shouldn't be doing this."

What is 'this' we're talking about?
We're just spending time, walking, holding hands, hugging.
If that's too much, then, again..

"Again."

I don't know.

My feelings weren't too deep.
The damage was only a light scratch and a bruise that you left when you bit me.
Don't worry, I'm going to be alright.

No matter what I do, this thing called reality easily phases out fantasies.

Now?

I told you about it. It's that ominous "..." text you give me that always makes me feel guilty even if I'm not supposed to feel that way.

Please..

You're the only one I could talk to about anything.
But if every time I do and you get bothered, who the hell am I going to talk to?

This emotional lock-down.
This paralytic situation.
This hindering thought.

What am I supposed to do?

Help me.
This shell covering me from my real self is fading.

The real me.
No fun.
No joy.
The envy in me which is slowly creeping out.
This stupid self.

It all has to stop. To end it means finding happiness.

So for now, this has to stop.
No amount of beer, cigarettes and company will help.




I need someone. Someone who could level with me and talk to me.
Because there is no such thing as "problems that I've gone through". Everything is different.
You cannot compare, you cannot say that your situation is more shitty. Because what I feel will always be different.

Stop..









Stop..

It's just me

Things change.
Emotions.
Perspectives.
Attitude.

Everything.

I wasn't anxious going to school anymore.
Hanging out with friends to have coffee had two reasons before.
One was because I've always thought of seeing you.
The other was because I'm with friends.

Just to be true, the first reason weighted a lot more than the second one.

Now?

I feel like the only reason to hangout and have coffee is because of friends.

Why the shifted feelings all of a sudden?

Because you're were constantly difficult to understand. Constantly not constant.
Because now, you're the same person as how I see anybody else.
Because my heart accepted that you can only see me as a friend.
Because a friend of yours told me things that I didn't want to hear but was thankful.
Because when I took a glimpse of you, I saw something that I wasn't supposed to see\read.

Because letting go is inevitable..

--

Odd. I'm not sad.

And maybe because I've encountered this a couple or years ago.
Same thing.

The time you're really sweet to me is when I don't care about you.
When I don't see you as something that poses a symbol of inspiration.
When you're just that somebody that I know.

--

And maybe because I haven't gotten over the girl that's 7000 miles away from me.
I guess I left more parts of me than expected..

--

This is just stupid. Love is stupid. I am stupid.
I've found my answers. I'm happy with it.

Something new

Thinking.

What happened last Monday was me getting drunk,
talking my heart out for ten straight minutes of grueling
confusion and agony, two bastards made me think.

"Maybe the reason you couldn't move on is because you're clinging on to something that isn't even here."

"Who would you choose? The woman who you've had a crush on since God can remember when, which you could actually walk hold hands with, or the one who you know that shows affection to you but is not actually here?"

Or something like that. Can't remember the exact words.

"Eh putang ina mo ka, akapin nalang kaya kita kaagad pag nakita kita?!?"

I'm starting to feel better. Not because I've found answers, because I'm starting to accept that;

"Loving her is like showing affection to a robot."

And starting to accept that. Things are easier to understand. What we've been doing before, how we show the simplest affection, it was all natural to the both of us.

I had no idea why I got so conscious when people started teasing me when they've done that way back and way back, we didn't care.

I'm starting to go back to that phase. Where affection is something that is naturally there for her no matter how people tease me.

I'm getting there.

Is this love?

I want to tell her.
But I just can't.
Whenever I'm with her, there's this good rhythm.
I can't break that.
I don't want to be too serious. I might break her perfect day..

She's always easy going and care free.

And I'm happy seeing her like that.
But If I tell her and it ruins her day, what am I supposed to do?

I'd rather have her as a friend than not have her at all.
But I have this urge that I want her to be more than that.

I'm starting to realize. I'm starting to feel something.
But I wouldn't just let myself.

Oh God, I can't stop thinking about her.
I think I'm falling and this time,

the only thing that's going to catch me is the pavement.

The Past Part 1

I'm taking out entries from my multiply account and transferring it here. A good read I say.
October 6, 2009. 2:45 pm. Western time.

--

You want to talk about it? How about let everyone else read it.




You want to know why i keep this?

It's to remind me that not everything is an easy stroll through the fields.

That "that" was one of the few smiles I was rewarded for, for taking all the bullshit and not reacting to it.

Like a God-damn reminder that love is closely followed by pain, anger, depression, hate and all those fucking pessimistic ideas and/or thoughts that would eventually rise up from fucking nowhere.

That smiling would stop people from asking too many questions you can't answer yourself.

"Oh Dan, you'll get over it."

I did. Took me six months to get over it.

I don't think this is Karma from before or punishment.

Timing was just really, really bad.

"Parang ang payat mo dito, bud. Were you on anything?" - I wished.
The darkest times of my life. I thought I was going to lose my friends. Some actually avoided me just because I was down and problematic all the time. Thanks.

"Akala kasi namin lagi mong kasama kaya di ka na naaya." - You could've just told me.

"You just vanished." - Sorry.
Not going to happen again. Now I'm fucking thousands of miles away to realize the the friends I needed was the bastards back home.

Going on, I went on and concentrated with my new found friends. Who did not help in any way possible to at least reassure me that everything was going to be alright. Except one.

Of all of them, Clarisse was the only one who made sense.
I'm not mad at anyone, frustrated, angry or what anyone might think. This topic has died ages ago.

Why post it? The title. Try to understand. Don't react to every word you get to read.

"Why is that you're the one who always had to break it off?"
"Sus, babalikan mo rin yan."
"Nanggago ka nanaman ng babae."

And my favorite, "Pustahan, bag di mo binalikan ng two months, libre kita. Drink all you can!" - Nanalo ako. Magbabayad ka.

Continuing, I tried to share. I was already overflowing with emotions, I couldn't control it.
"Mababa EQ ni Dan, no?" - Nice.. I figured you're not going to help me anyway since she was your friend.

All I had with me every night was two 500ml bottles of beer, a pack of cigarettes and a story I couldn't tell.

You want to know how it ended?
All I needed was the push. I had the conviction, but I didn't know how to do it. I needed the guts.
As I said, it can be bought. Was 33 pesos a pop. Must take more than required for full effect. I chugged as many as i can.. Four bottles did the trick. I took some more just in case.

State at least 3 Conclusions:
I therefore conclude that I do not want to stoop down as the same level of dirt everytime she felt like it.
I therefore conclude how bad it was to be with someone who throws all the effort back to my face.
I therefore conclude that respect was needed on my behalf because I was running on empty.

That's it. I don't want to go to the detailed part. It sickens me.
When i think about it, this trip of mine is an extended vacation.

Satisfied?
To people who probably might misinterpret this, you're stupid.

Injured beyond repair

I'm not capable of holding too many emotions, thoughts and feelings inside of me.
Eventually, I'm going to explode.

This is the only place where my mind can roam freely.
Thoughts flutter until a sentence is built.
Sentences that leaves me perplexed.
"Why does it always have to end with a question mark?"

Obviously, it's a question.

"No answers?"

Tough luck, bud. Find it yourself.

It's always going to be like this. One day, one post will come where it's not going to be a problem.
When's that going to arrive?
--
Here I am, typing my heart out. Because here, I'm more vulnerable, I'm more open. What I can't explain to people personally, is expressed better here.

Yes. Like talking to someone who's an avid listener to my thoughts and words.
So let me ask you;

Why is thinking how much I need you is stressing me out?
Why is she the only one taking away that stress?
Why is that I miss you so much, the world seems depopulated?

Why do I feel like I'm the only one being serious here?

Why does my day have to end up miserable every time?

I was having a care-free day today. Reading that took it all away.
I'm not limiting myself from being happy.
It's just that sometimes, I think I don't deserve it.

This is it

Sitting.
And I can see her.

No one to talk to.
Not that I'm looking for a conversation, I'm always like this.
Suddenly hushing down, quietly observing the people around me..

Observing her.

I'm missing her. She's just an arms-length distance from me but somehow, missing her is enough for me.
Somehow. But I'm not content. I need something more than this one-sided affection. I'm a guy, I should make the first move.

Fuck that.

What happened a couple of years ago will happen again. I'm letting it go, I'm letting her slip away.

I think that's fine with me. If everything has it's place in this world, then..

I want that place to be in between her arms.

But this is all just talk.
I'm getting sick of it.
I'm getting tired of it.

Soon, I'm going to give up and I know it'll turn out alright.

I think. I don't know. I have no answers to these questions.
Even if I had one, I'm too afraid to do something about it.

I was happy the whole day but I had to make myself feel miserable again..
This has to end soon. The feelings, the infatuation, the need;

"I'll do it my own way like I use to."

--

But then again. I felt like she was helping me let go of her.
It's that Godly intuition again. Like a jolt of electricity ran through my brain, processed my feelings and at that moment, I let go of those feelings for a millisecond.

Like the quote; "The goodbye that my ears never heard."

Because for that little moment, I felt it. She was distant. It felt alright but I don't know if I should be happy about that. Another confusion.

I miss you

CS: Hi Dan
Cruz, Dan: Can't sleep.
CS: coffee?
Cruz, Dan: No.. I don't know.. Something's bothering me.. I haven't eaten the whole day because of it.
CS: What?
CS: You wanna talk about it?
Cruz, Dan: I'm not even hungry.
CS: *pat pat*
CS: Did something happen?
Cruz, Dan: I want to talk about it but.. Err..
Cruz, Dan: So bad..
CS: Okay...
CS: Dan, anong nangyari?
CS: You know you can talk to me naman eh
Cruz, Dan: Nasabi ko pala kala Von and Ada..
Cruz, Dan: What we did when I was there.
Cruz, Dan: Or what you were to me.
Cruz, Dan: Couldn't keep it anymore.
Cruz, Dan: I had to talk to someone.
Cruz, Dan: Or I'm going to explode.
CS: Ano reaction nila?
Cruz, Dan: Bug-eyed.
Cruz, Dan: Then paused then a *sigh.
CS: Oh.
CS: So did you feel better nung na-let out mo na?
Cruz, Dan: Hell no..
Cruz, Dan: I miss you more because of that.
CS: 5 months na rin noh?
CS: Oh well.
Cruz, Dan: Talking is never going to be enough.
Cruz, Dan: This is so G-damn hard.
CS: I know..
CS: Kahit hindi enough.
CS: What's your shoutout about?
Cruz, Dan: Oh, that.
Cruz, Dan: My school friends are teasing me to this girl in school.
Cruz, Dan: Keep on telling me to try and go out with her and stuff.
Cruz, Dan: So ayun.
Cruz, Dan: Told them, I would've if I wanted to. But no..
Cruz, Dan: Or I don't know.
Cruz, Dan: Then ayun.
Cruz, Dan: Wala.
CS: Oh okay.
CS: Hindi mo trip yung girl?
CS: Pero type ka?
Cruz, Dan: I like the girl.
Cruz, Dan: But I've told myself countless times that I wouldn't go out with someone that goes to the same establishment as I go to.
CS: Ahhhh
Cruz, Dan: Why?
CS: Why what?
Cruz, Dan: I was kind of expecting something more than an "Ahhhh".
CS: " But I've told myself countless times that I wouldn't go out with someone that goes to the same establishment as I do." --Ilang beses ko na kasi narinig yung reasoning na yan eh
CS: So "Ahhh" nalang yung sagot ko
Cruz, Dan: Oh..
Cruz, Dan: Errr..
CS: Hehe
CS: So what's YOUR reason ba? Baka iba pala.
Cruz, Dan: My reason?
Cruz, Dan: Kindly elaborate.
CS: Why you don't want to date someone who goes to the same establishment as you go to?
Cruz, Dan: Basically, I don't want to date anybody.
Cruz, Dan: Yet.
CS: I see..
CS: Hanggang kailan yung "yet" na yun?
Cruz, Dan: As long as you're aimlessly running in my mind, I won't.
CS: Haay. I see.
CS: Okay
Cruz, Dan: Because if do, I'll feel like I'm cheating on you..
Cruz, Dan: I mean, now.
CS: Haay, Dan. I really don't know what to do or say, except sana nalang andyan ako. Or andito ka. Whichever.
Cruz, Dan: I'm just going to smoke for a while. I need a breather..
CS: Go ahead

---

Cruz, Dan: A friend told me something.
CS: Ano sabi ng friend mo?
Cruz, Dan: To not limit myself when it comes to happiness.
Cruz, Dan: It goes the same for you.
CS: *nods*
CS: I agree.
CS: So you really like this other girl, huh?
Cruz, Dan: She's getting under my skin.
CS: I see.
Cruz, Dan: Please say something more than that..
CS: Dan, hindi naman kasi kita mapipigilan eh. Yeah, I want you to be with me, instead of her. But 7000 miles is a long way, and... yun.
CS: Malungkot ako, no doubt. But I can't really blame you for that. The situation sucks lang talaga.
CS: Okay.. now you say something.
Cruz, Dan: I'm having a hard time typing.. I'm shaking.

---

CS: *sigh*
CS: Thanks for being honest, Dan.
Cruz, Dan: The worst feeling was the last message you sent me before I left. There and then, I wanted to stay. I wanted you to be with me until the last minutes of my stay. I was infatuated with the presence of our friends when I got back and eventually, I was thinking and feeling that something was amiss. I couldn't get over it. You already took a part of me and I don't want it back. I want you to keep it. Words will never be enough to explain everything. Never has been a day I did not miss being on the passenger seat, the one changing radio stations, being your companion, holding your hand, embracing you, and even getting a kiss. I miss everything. I miss you so much it's confusing.
CS: Dan, I don't know what to do..
Cruz, Dan: Reading is fine.
CS: I miss you too. So much. Every day.
CS: *sigh*
CS: Babalik ka ba dito?
Cruz, Dan: Not too soon.
CS: I can't wait for not too soon to come.
CS: Anyway, this other girl.. was she the one you were telling me about? Around.. feb or march, I think?
Cruz, Dan: Yes.
CS: Oh okay. Lagi kayong nagkikita?
Cruz, Dan: Well.. We attend the same class. So.. Every other day. It's more complicated than this. We don't even sms each other.
Cruz, Dan: What's on your mind?
CS: I'm thinking about when or how we can be in the same place.
CS: Hmm. So.. ano sinasabi mo sa college friends pag tinantanong nila kung bakit hindi mo siya pinopormahan?
Cruz, Dan: "Pinopormahan"..
CS: Ah mali ba yung term?
Cruz, Dan: I shrug it off.
CS: Ah ok. Do Von and Ada know about the girl?
Cruz, Dan: Von already met her. Von goes the same school as I do.
CS: Oh. Ano advice nila sayo?
Cruz, Dan: Not Von and Ada but my two other close friends in school.
CS: To never limit yourself when it comes to happiness.
Cruz, Dan: That was before.. I told them I had to talk to you first before anything happens and I'll get my answers after the weekend.
CS: What are you planning to do?
Cruz, Dan: Think things through.
Cruz, Dan: Analyze things.
CS: Alright. I hope you'll let me know before you do anything drastic. Baka magulat nalang ako bigla pag log in ko sa Facebook eh. Haha.
Cruz, Dan: I'll keep you posted?
CS: If you don't mind.
Cruz, Dan: I don't.
Cruz, Dan: You do the same.
CS: Ahuh.

The Truth

I'm happy when she's around.

But I miss her so much.

She's close to me.

But she's so far away.

What if I do fall in love?

But what if she already does?

And this happens.

And that happens.

She's not consistent.

But she is.

I like her.

I'm still falling for her.

I'm happy that she's here.

But sad she is not.

The root of my confusion.
I'm sad that I left.
But happy that I'm here.
I don't know how I'll tell her.
It might make her happy.
But It might make her sad.
I'm not torpe, shy, or anything everyone else is thinking.
I just won't because of reasons.

I don't want to end up with nobody.

I don't want to hurt anyone.

Because everybody else wouldn't understand.
The reasons why I approach affection like this.

I like you. And for the longest time,it hasn't changed at all.
It's going to remain that way.
I still haven't found the reason why I should do something about it.
You have to show me. Infatuation is not going to work.

You're winning me over.

You were there

I dreamt about her.
The whole eight hours of sleep was abruptly ended with a five second dream.
It looked really short.

She was just there, standing. I tried talking to her.
Before any words came out of my mouth,
Before a sound even tried to squeak out
All I heard coming out of her mouth was:

"No, Dan.."

I stopped, looked at her and wondered why. Then it ended.

I woke up confused. Tired.
Telling myself that it was all just a dream.

*sigh

All a dream, huh?

Now it's making me think again.
Aww.. Shit..

The Talk

Hung out with college friends just to get a scolding.
Everything they told me hit my mind as if I didn't know it was coming.

In fact, I did.
I was trying to defend myself, giving probable causes to backup my thoughts.

I would always think that it's not going to work.
Then came the big man of emotional stress.
He was backed up by the laughing woman of thought.
Arby and Amour.

For the record, I do like her, but I see her better as a friend.
And for that reason, it's stopping me from trying anything else.
Stopping the progress, protecting myself from being an emotional wreck.

"Never limit yourself to happiness."

One of the best I've heard.

"Can you give me a reason why it will not work out?". That was me, asking. A bigger part of me is already contented with what we have now. I know I'm supposed to ask for more. But no. I wouldn't let myself do that.

My principles are always going to be stronger than my emotions.

"Why are you looking for a reason why it wouldn't work if you're not even going to give it a try?"
I'm going to think about it. I'll give it time.

Not supposed to be this way

It's been ages since I felt something towards you.

Something more than friendship,
something not everybody would understand until given the explanation.

You're one of the reasons why I look forward going to school,
others can not matter.

How you wrap your arms around me,
the way you embrace my arm when we're walking,
the times when I hold out my hand just for you to hold.

But this cannot continue.

This is a risk I'm willing to take.
But this is something that I know I'll lose.

To make it short,

I like you and I don't care what other people might think.

But this cannot continue.

My principles are always going to be stronger than my feelings.
And I'm sorry for myself.
And sorry to you. This is going to be confusing.

Here I go

I'm leaving tomorrow.
So I'll prolly feel heavy again.
After all that time spending with friends.
After all that getting used to.
After all that adjustments that I've made for myself.

I'm going back.
I can't seem to understand why I do things that I know I'm going to miss so much.
The people, person, feelings, reasons. Leaving it all here.

I keep telling myself that it's not important.
I'm not going to talk about it anyway.
It's important to me.

"We'll see.."
I don't know if I can be contented with just that..

Probably not. I guess my reply's the same..
"We'll see.."

Sick

Pondering.
Wondering.
Thinking.

What's on my head?
Alot of things.

I need to make questions.
I need to find the words.
I need explanations.
I need answers.

Somebody explain this to me.
Why?
This could go on forever.
Why?

I'm leaving.
My emotions, feelings and my reasons are coming with me.

No Title

Haven't gone online for a week already.
Always wondering how many multiply updates are already there. (I checked already =P)
How many pages I'm going to go through when I'm logged in.

How much money I've stacked in MOBWARS.
If there are people who posted on my wall that has to be replied to.
If there are new series from all those 'Blood' games.

Haven't gone to youtube and watched my series.
Haven't been 'available' in Yahoo Messenger rather being on that 'I'm on SMS' status.

Because I live in a different house now.
The WIFI signal is too damn weak for Evie to pick it up..

Because of that, I learned how to play Minesweeper.
Learned how to play Freecell.
Learned how to play Hearts.
Learned how to edit photos like a pro. (EHEM)
How trying to beat the computer on a level 10 skill is so ?aggravating.

Thought about how Patrick could be misaken as Goku's enemy. (Majin-buu)
That watching Spongebob make crabby patties makes me want to eat a burger.




That staring on a blank space makes you think.
And I'm doing it again.
And it's making me feel sad.




I don't want to go home..


You're not where I'm going to.

Confusion

You're Exhausting

That's a point for me to leave.
I don't get to see you.

But I found a reason for me to stay..
(please insert text here)

Yes.
That's why.

hey

Thinking back, on how i used to date someone, or even spend time with her. It makes me miss the feeling of being taken care of and even the feeling of taking care of someone.

And no, i'm not thinking any of my ex's.

You don't have to be in an intimate relationship for someone to take care of you or to even show affection.

Simple minded fools.

I have people who i love or to whom i feel closest with. Not just because they stayed the longest. Well.. This is what I think. It is important to me how these people know how they changed my life. Not totally.. But gave me the sense of being. On how i should act accordingly. How right i should be, how sometimes, being wrong would actually help.

--

I've been in L.A. for the past 40 days or so and I keep on thinking about the people who made a difference in my life. No matter how short the time i've spent with someone or how long, what matters, in even the shortest time i have been with someone, at least i had the most fun rather than hanging out with another and spend wasted time.

--

There are some who share their stories and every time, i listen and every time, i give advices. The kind that is so straight to the point, you're actually hurting someone. I tried shutting my mouth, keeping my thoughts to myself and just snickering about untill i sigh and say that "that was really stupid".

--

I miss home.
I miss my friends.
I miss my cat.
I miss my family.
I miss my room.
I miss riding the jeepney knowing you'll smell bad afterwards from the pollution.
I miss riding the tricycle.
I miss my sister's dog.
I miss my brother's dogs.
I miss seeing a flood.
I miss sitting on the couch, watching the television untill i fall asleep.
I miss the walk from shell to my home.
I miss laughing away from the stupidity of my friends.
I miss going to church alone every sunday.

--

Lately i've just been working out. I'm trying to slim down a notch. I went back to my old self. I need to stress myself again.
I'm currently attending kick-boxing classes every Tuesdays and Thursdays.. I do training alone every saturdays. I summarize what i've learned on the last two sessions.
Everytime i finish a session, i feel like hurting the person next to me and the person who's always next to me is the instructor so let's forget about that. He can kill me with a single kick.

So.. My body is in constant pain.
Oh yeah.. I need to fix my flexibility.

hate this

I hate being left all alone.
I usually go out at night and go on with my worry-free life.
If not, I talk to people through phone or text messaging.

The keyword here is "usually".

Now i can't even talk to people who mean so much to me.

Well.. I do, but not that much anymore.
You know when you can actually talk to them any time of the day and still miss them?

This time, it's really different. Yeah, you could talk to them, or leave them a message, but it's only up to "that" point. You can never meet them personally, spend time with or whatever.. I want to call them but it'll cost me so much and i'm trying to save money for myself and for them too..

I hate being left alone..

My brain keeps on thinking alot so fast, time keeps getting slow.

only you

Every time i hear you voice,

I see your face,

I see comments from you,

I hear you from other people,

even just the thought of you,

makes me feel a sensation of pure annoyance. I can't deal with you. You're despicable. I can't take it. You make people see what you want them to believe, you don't let them know or even let them take a slight look of the real you.

You're fake.You're trash.

Couldn't care less what you think about me. I saw the real you and for so long, i held on to that, knowing it's going to take me nowhere. I've outgrown you.

If i have known the real you way back, i wouldn't even take a second glance at you. But hell. We all make mistakes.

You we're mine.

Earlier, I was sitting outside, thinking about everything again with a cup of coffee on my right.

Reminiscing.

Whenever I think about of what's back home, this someone just pops in my mind.

It's kinda useless thinking about it more thoroughly.

But it really does make me miss home alot more.

I've been here for the longest two weeks of my life.
Always busy, in which, i don't have any complaints about.

I'm somewhat the assistant care taker of my grandad.
Employee of my Aunt.
Assistant of a super-cute-angel-looking Vietnamese woman.
Slave to a pregnant Hungarian.
Kuya to all the present cousins here.

Well.. It's not that i work everyday of the week.
I work when i'm needed.
When they do, i work for the all at the same day, the whole day.

I try to sleep at around 2 to 3-ish in the morning here and wake up at about 6 to 7 something just to check if there's someone worth talking to.

After that, i go to my grandad's home to tend to his needs, and when there's a break, i exercise.
Sometimes, my Aunt would just fetch me so that i could work again because i'm needed for something that they can do all along.

But that's okay. I get to see the beautiful Vietnamese butterfly! HAHAHA!

Stuff.. Then chores and chores untill it becomes a routine.
I got tired of typing.

not real

Had the weirdest dream.

Dreamt about me, taking a cab to LAX, ready to go back home in the Philippines.

In the plane using my cellular phone, calling someone.

(I know i can't use cellular phones inside the plane but it was a dream so shut up! Hehe! Also, i can't remember who i was calling)

Then i got to PAL, took a cab home, paid the driver about $10 for the whole trip, helped me with my luggage.

The house looked totally the same as how i left it. In repair.

Nobody was there but my cat. Well... Nobody knew that i was coming back home.

I contacted somebody to meet somebody, which i can't remember again. My dream was weird! Use your imagination!

Then the scene changes immediately.




i was with my ex...




Kneeling down in front of her. She was standing. Everything around us was black. Only my ex and I can be seen...

Then i woke up, like i was gasping for air. Don't know why.. (what the hell?)

For a moment, i actually thought i was back home in the Philippines..
Then it hit me. I was in the living room, sleeping at my aunt's house.

I looked at my aunt. She was staring at me.

Aunt: You we're talking while you were asleep.

Dan: (yawning) Really? Hmmmph.. (sunk my face on my pillow)

Aunt: Had a nightmare?

Dan: (looked back at her, thinking) Hmmm.. Maybe.. I guess so.

Aunt: What was it about? Was it scary?

Dan: Dunno, I saw my ex.

Aunt: Oooooh! It was scary!

Dan: HAH! Not really.

Aunt: Maybe she thought of you. Or maybe you we're really having a nightmare. (laughs)

/me went back to sleep (grinn)

That was it..




Funny..

i miss you..

Last night happened, read now.

Got at Ryan's place, ate some food, got drunk.

Ryan: Humabol ka Dan!

Dan: Ako nanaman?!? Dinadaya nyo na ako eeeeh!

Cap: Hmmmpphh... (Sleeping)

Moe, who just woke up: Hey.

Patch wasn't there.

Joyce, who didn't grunt the whole night. Congratulations!

Anne: Dan Humabol ka! Shot mo na! Ang bilis kaya!!! Sayo lahat yan! Dyan ka nalang sa labas! Iwan mo kami dito! Shumat ka na! Ba't ka ganyan?!? Inomin mo na yan! Oh! Humihinto pa! Straight na! Ano ba yaaaan?!?

(takes the phone from me)

Ano ba yan Joyce! Si Dan nasa labas nalang! Ang bagal pa shumat! TAGAY NA DAN! DAN!!!

and that happened thrice. Anne the rant Queen. I've never met anyone whom i have a hard time saying no or even disagreeing.

Dan: Shot ko nanaman? Anak ng?!? Di nga? Ano ba yan! Waaa! Ang bilis naman nyan!

Anne: Tatlo lang kaya kami umiinom dun! mabilis talaga ang ikot! Bilisan mo na kasi at inumin mo na yan! Last na yan eh!

binuhos lang yung alak sa akin. Hindi ako makatanggi, makapag hinde. Kahit ano. Ahehe! Tapos nung pagkabalik ko na sa table, may isa pang bote. Loko ka Anne, ako'y maghihiganti..

Dan: Hmmmpphh... (Sleeping)

>.<

my tag-board never looked so clean.

sun

I'll be using my sun number again. Just contact me through 09223025421. Give me a message whenever you guys would want to hang out.

huhu!

weebee

Yale! Welcome back..
Oo, alam ko late. Pero okay narin to.

>.<

Here at Aldrich's place. He invited me here to drink again. To think that i have to go to abs-cbn tomorrow morning. Good luck to me. I know i won't screw it all up. I need the job, to get the much needed salary..

Geez.. Money..

For the record, I don't like money but it really is something people need to get around..
"pangangailangan" kumbaga.

So anyhow, we're just waiting for Joma to come and we're on our way to buy some drinks.

Lasinggero na ako na hindi nalalasing kagad pag umiinom. Gusto kong mabasag naman minsan. Like the time I fell asleep just along maginhawa because waiting for the cab to come took too long.. Cap was sleeping on the garden and Ryan didn't had the conciousness to go back to Cap's place to help me fix things.

Going back (Ryan's line), about the drinking thingy, I think we're having beers tonight. And pizza. Mmmm...

I won't get drunk, I won't drink too much and control myself.

And i've got nothing else to say..

oooh! ooooh!

/me taps Elise, Loraine, Chessie, Fred, and Heather

Dan: Baraha!! Poker!!! Waaaaaaa!
(so many colors! so gay-ish!)

Sabado Nights

Got at Ryan's place, ate some food, got drunk.

Ryan: Pakyu ka Dan!

Dan: Pakyu ka Ryan!

Cap: Hmmmpphh... (Sleeping)

Moe while doing a thumbs up: hatid ko lang. (Smirk)

Patch: Uwi na ako.

/Joyce grunts

Anne: Hmmmmpphh... (Sleeping)

puta ng...

TANGNA!

san kayo nakakita ng toilet, let me repeat, TOILET na may data cable?

HA? HA?

POTA! IBANG KLASE!!

gusto nyo fustahan pa eeeeeeeeeh! 10 million!
punta kayo dito sa bahay ni Jose Manuel Dela Fuente Almario!
haba eh no?

shet!



taenang shet.. i apologize.. i'm hammered.. And still i can blog. Bwaahahahahahahahahaha!
that's what you call a level 10 drunkard control. it's at its max level.

orc peon

i have a job. i'll be starting to work next week, monday.

orc peon: work! work!

k610i

i miss the way it hangs around my neck.

the way i look at the pictures in it.

the nights when i read what's in the inbox.

how i replied to the people who sent me messages.

the times that i would look at the videos just to get a laugh or even a smile.

the color and the attractiveness of it. (like the owner)









*sigh







i didn't even get to try the video calling part..

i had the chance of surfing the net with it though..

shit...










nagugutom ako...

>.<

well... i drank with friends last sunday. it was billy's despedida.. that's it. no use talking about it.

sausage party

and now i'm here at aldrich's place. i just woke up. i didn't get to sleep that much because bren keeps on hugging me.

gay bastard.

Aldrich's text message

Marlboro Red = 30 Pesos

SanMig Light = 28 Pesos

Pork Sisig = 150 Pesos

Crispy Kropek = 80 Pesos






Damputing ng pulis tuwing liquor bann...






priceless...

There are things money can't buy.. For everything else, there's master card.

OLRAYT!

lunch time

Dear, thank you for having lunch with me.