I miss you

CS: Hi Dan
Cruz, Dan: Can't sleep.
CS: coffee?
Cruz, Dan: No.. I don't know.. Something's bothering me.. I haven't eaten the whole day because of it.
CS: What?
CS: You wanna talk about it?
Cruz, Dan: I'm not even hungry.
CS: *pat pat*
CS: Did something happen?
Cruz, Dan: I want to talk about it but.. Err..
Cruz, Dan: So bad..
CS: Okay...
CS: Dan, anong nangyari?
CS: You know you can talk to me naman eh
Cruz, Dan: Nasabi ko pala kala Von and Ada..
Cruz, Dan: What we did when I was there.
Cruz, Dan: Or what you were to me.
Cruz, Dan: Couldn't keep it anymore.
Cruz, Dan: I had to talk to someone.
Cruz, Dan: Or I'm going to explode.
CS: Ano reaction nila?
Cruz, Dan: Bug-eyed.
Cruz, Dan: Then paused then a *sigh.
CS: Oh.
CS: So did you feel better nung na-let out mo na?
Cruz, Dan: Hell no..
Cruz, Dan: I miss you more because of that.
CS: 5 months na rin noh?
CS: Oh well.
Cruz, Dan: Talking is never going to be enough.
Cruz, Dan: This is so G-damn hard.
CS: I know..
CS: Kahit hindi enough.
CS: What's your shoutout about?
Cruz, Dan: Oh, that.
Cruz, Dan: My school friends are teasing me to this girl in school.
Cruz, Dan: Keep on telling me to try and go out with her and stuff.
Cruz, Dan: So ayun.
Cruz, Dan: Told them, I would've if I wanted to. But no..
Cruz, Dan: Or I don't know.
Cruz, Dan: Then ayun.
Cruz, Dan: Wala.
CS: Oh okay.
CS: Hindi mo trip yung girl?
CS: Pero type ka?
Cruz, Dan: I like the girl.
Cruz, Dan: But I've told myself countless times that I wouldn't go out with someone that goes to the same establishment as I go to.
CS: Ahhhh
Cruz, Dan: Why?
CS: Why what?
Cruz, Dan: I was kind of expecting something more than an "Ahhhh".
CS: " But I've told myself countless times that I wouldn't go out with someone that goes to the same establishment as I do." --Ilang beses ko na kasi narinig yung reasoning na yan eh
CS: So "Ahhh" nalang yung sagot ko
Cruz, Dan: Oh..
Cruz, Dan: Errr..
CS: Hehe
CS: So what's YOUR reason ba? Baka iba pala.
Cruz, Dan: My reason?
Cruz, Dan: Kindly elaborate.
CS: Why you don't want to date someone who goes to the same establishment as you go to?
Cruz, Dan: Basically, I don't want to date anybody.
Cruz, Dan: Yet.
CS: I see..
CS: Hanggang kailan yung "yet" na yun?
Cruz, Dan: As long as you're aimlessly running in my mind, I won't.
CS: Haay. I see.
CS: Okay
Cruz, Dan: Because if do, I'll feel like I'm cheating on you..
Cruz, Dan: I mean, now.
CS: Haay, Dan. I really don't know what to do or say, except sana nalang andyan ako. Or andito ka. Whichever.
Cruz, Dan: I'm just going to smoke for a while. I need a breather..
CS: Go ahead

---

Cruz, Dan: A friend told me something.
CS: Ano sabi ng friend mo?
Cruz, Dan: To not limit myself when it comes to happiness.
Cruz, Dan: It goes the same for you.
CS: *nods*
CS: I agree.
CS: So you really like this other girl, huh?
Cruz, Dan: She's getting under my skin.
CS: I see.
Cruz, Dan: Please say something more than that..
CS: Dan, hindi naman kasi kita mapipigilan eh. Yeah, I want you to be with me, instead of her. But 7000 miles is a long way, and... yun.
CS: Malungkot ako, no doubt. But I can't really blame you for that. The situation sucks lang talaga.
CS: Okay.. now you say something.
Cruz, Dan: I'm having a hard time typing.. I'm shaking.

---

CS: *sigh*
CS: Thanks for being honest, Dan.
Cruz, Dan: The worst feeling was the last message you sent me before I left. There and then, I wanted to stay. I wanted you to be with me until the last minutes of my stay. I was infatuated with the presence of our friends when I got back and eventually, I was thinking and feeling that something was amiss. I couldn't get over it. You already took a part of me and I don't want it back. I want you to keep it. Words will never be enough to explain everything. Never has been a day I did not miss being on the passenger seat, the one changing radio stations, being your companion, holding your hand, embracing you, and even getting a kiss. I miss everything. I miss you so much it's confusing.
CS: Dan, I don't know what to do..
Cruz, Dan: Reading is fine.
CS: I miss you too. So much. Every day.
CS: *sigh*
CS: Babalik ka ba dito?
Cruz, Dan: Not too soon.
CS: I can't wait for not too soon to come.
CS: Anyway, this other girl.. was she the one you were telling me about? Around.. feb or march, I think?
Cruz, Dan: Yes.
CS: Oh okay. Lagi kayong nagkikita?
Cruz, Dan: Well.. We attend the same class. So.. Every other day. It's more complicated than this. We don't even sms each other.
Cruz, Dan: What's on your mind?
CS: I'm thinking about when or how we can be in the same place.
CS: Hmm. So.. ano sinasabi mo sa college friends pag tinantanong nila kung bakit hindi mo siya pinopormahan?
Cruz, Dan: "Pinopormahan"..
CS: Ah mali ba yung term?
Cruz, Dan: I shrug it off.
CS: Ah ok. Do Von and Ada know about the girl?
Cruz, Dan: Von already met her. Von goes the same school as I do.
CS: Oh. Ano advice nila sayo?
Cruz, Dan: Not Von and Ada but my two other close friends in school.
CS: To never limit yourself when it comes to happiness.
Cruz, Dan: That was before.. I told them I had to talk to you first before anything happens and I'll get my answers after the weekend.
CS: What are you planning to do?
Cruz, Dan: Think things through.
Cruz, Dan: Analyze things.
CS: Alright. I hope you'll let me know before you do anything drastic. Baka magulat nalang ako bigla pag log in ko sa Facebook eh. Haha.
Cruz, Dan: I'll keep you posted?
CS: If you don't mind.
Cruz, Dan: I don't.
Cruz, Dan: You do the same.
CS: Ahuh.

The Truth

I'm happy when she's around.

But I miss her so much.

She's close to me.

But she's so far away.

What if I do fall in love?

But what if she already does?

And this happens.

And that happens.

She's not consistent.

But she is.

I like her.

I'm still falling for her.

I'm happy that she's here.

But sad she is not.

The root of my confusion.
I'm sad that I left.
But happy that I'm here.
I don't know how I'll tell her.
It might make her happy.
But It might make her sad.
I'm not torpe, shy, or anything everyone else is thinking.
I just won't because of reasons.

I don't want to end up with nobody.

I don't want to hurt anyone.

Because everybody else wouldn't understand.
The reasons why I approach affection like this.

I like you. And for the longest time,it hasn't changed at all.
It's going to remain that way.
I still haven't found the reason why I should do something about it.
You have to show me. Infatuation is not going to work.

You're winning me over.

You were there

I dreamt about her.
The whole eight hours of sleep was abruptly ended with a five second dream.
It looked really short.

She was just there, standing. I tried talking to her.
Before any words came out of my mouth,
Before a sound even tried to squeak out
All I heard coming out of her mouth was:

"No, Dan.."

I stopped, looked at her and wondered why. Then it ended.

I woke up confused. Tired.
Telling myself that it was all just a dream.

*sigh

All a dream, huh?

Now it's making me think again.
Aww.. Shit..

The Talk

Hung out with college friends just to get a scolding.
Everything they told me hit my mind as if I didn't know it was coming.

In fact, I did.
I was trying to defend myself, giving probable causes to backup my thoughts.

I would always think that it's not going to work.
Then came the big man of emotional stress.
He was backed up by the laughing woman of thought.
Arby and Amour.

For the record, I do like her, but I see her better as a friend.
And for that reason, it's stopping me from trying anything else.
Stopping the progress, protecting myself from being an emotional wreck.

"Never limit yourself to happiness."

One of the best I've heard.

"Can you give me a reason why it will not work out?". That was me, asking. A bigger part of me is already contented with what we have now. I know I'm supposed to ask for more. But no. I wouldn't let myself do that.

My principles are always going to be stronger than my emotions.

"Why are you looking for a reason why it wouldn't work if you're not even going to give it a try?"
I'm going to think about it. I'll give it time.

Not supposed to be this way

It's been ages since I felt something towards you.

Something more than friendship,
something not everybody would understand until given the explanation.

You're one of the reasons why I look forward going to school,
others can not matter.

How you wrap your arms around me,
the way you embrace my arm when we're walking,
the times when I hold out my hand just for you to hold.

But this cannot continue.

This is a risk I'm willing to take.
But this is something that I know I'll lose.

To make it short,

I like you and I don't care what other people might think.

But this cannot continue.

My principles are always going to be stronger than my feelings.
And I'm sorry for myself.
And sorry to you. This is going to be confusing.