"We're not supposed to do this."
Not like any straightforward rejection. Like somebody's telling you to stop, because she couldn't. Only to make you realize that what the both of you are doing is wrong because people are going to be affected by it..
I don't want to.
"She's my friend."
I don't care.
Somebody hugged me for real this time.
And this time, somebody was glad to be with me. Or as I thought.
Am I going to stop this?
I longed for this and here I am, being stupid and unfair to everything again.
This is what I want.
Then why am I stopping myself from having it?
I hate it when my mind takes over what my heart feels.
I ignore my emotions and tend to disregard the truth.
I hate it when I easily fall for someone who can easily show my worth.
But then again, it's her words that I'm too afraid of.
She told me again;
"We shouldn't be doing this."
What is 'this' we're talking about?
We're just spending time, walking, holding hands, hugging.
If that's too much, then, again..
"Again."
I don't know.
My feelings weren't too deep.
The damage was only a light scratch and a bruise that you left when you bit me.
Don't worry, I'm going to be alright.
No matter what I do, this thing called reality easily phases out fantasies.
Now?
I told you about it. It's that ominous "..." text you give me that always makes me feel guilty even if I'm not supposed to feel that way.
Please..
You're the only one I could talk to about anything.
But if every time I do and you get bothered, who the hell am I going to talk to?
This emotional lock-down.
This paralytic situation.
This hindering thought.
What am I supposed to do?
Help me.
This shell covering me from my real self is fading.
The real me.
No fun.
No joy.
The envy in me which is slowly creeping out.
This stupid self.
It all has to stop. To end it means finding happiness.
So for now, this has to stop.
No amount of beer, cigarettes and company will help.
I need someone. Someone who could level with me and talk to me.
Because there is no such thing as "problems that I've gone through". Everything is different.
You cannot compare, you cannot say that your situation is more shitty. Because what I feel will always be different.
Stop..
Stop..
