It's just me

Things change.
Emotions.
Perspectives.
Attitude.

Everything.

I wasn't anxious going to school anymore.
Hanging out with friends to have coffee had two reasons before.
One was because I've always thought of seeing you.
The other was because I'm with friends.

Just to be true, the first reason weighted a lot more than the second one.

Now?

I feel like the only reason to hangout and have coffee is because of friends.

Why the shifted feelings all of a sudden?

Because you're were constantly difficult to understand. Constantly not constant.
Because now, you're the same person as how I see anybody else.
Because my heart accepted that you can only see me as a friend.
Because a friend of yours told me things that I didn't want to hear but was thankful.
Because when I took a glimpse of you, I saw something that I wasn't supposed to see\read.

Because letting go is inevitable..

--

Odd. I'm not sad.

And maybe because I've encountered this a couple or years ago.
Same thing.

The time you're really sweet to me is when I don't care about you.
When I don't see you as something that poses a symbol of inspiration.
When you're just that somebody that I know.

--

And maybe because I haven't gotten over the girl that's 7000 miles away from me.
I guess I left more parts of me than expected..

--

This is just stupid. Love is stupid. I am stupid.
I've found my answers. I'm happy with it.

Something new

Thinking.

What happened last Monday was me getting drunk,
talking my heart out for ten straight minutes of grueling
confusion and agony, two bastards made me think.

"Maybe the reason you couldn't move on is because you're clinging on to something that isn't even here."

"Who would you choose? The woman who you've had a crush on since God can remember when, which you could actually walk hold hands with, or the one who you know that shows affection to you but is not actually here?"

Or something like that. Can't remember the exact words.

"Eh putang ina mo ka, akapin nalang kaya kita kaagad pag nakita kita?!?"

I'm starting to feel better. Not because I've found answers, because I'm starting to accept that;

"Loving her is like showing affection to a robot."

And starting to accept that. Things are easier to understand. What we've been doing before, how we show the simplest affection, it was all natural to the both of us.

I had no idea why I got so conscious when people started teasing me when they've done that way back and way back, we didn't care.

I'm starting to go back to that phase. Where affection is something that is naturally there for her no matter how people tease me.

I'm getting there.

Is this love?

I want to tell her.
But I just can't.
Whenever I'm with her, there's this good rhythm.
I can't break that.
I don't want to be too serious. I might break her perfect day..

She's always easy going and care free.

And I'm happy seeing her like that.
But If I tell her and it ruins her day, what am I supposed to do?

I'd rather have her as a friend than not have her at all.
But I have this urge that I want her to be more than that.

I'm starting to realize. I'm starting to feel something.
But I wouldn't just let myself.

Oh God, I can't stop thinking about her.
I think I'm falling and this time,

the only thing that's going to catch me is the pavement.

The Past Part 1

I'm taking out entries from my multiply account and transferring it here. A good read I say.
October 6, 2009. 2:45 pm. Western time.

--

You want to talk about it? How about let everyone else read it.




You want to know why i keep this?

It's to remind me that not everything is an easy stroll through the fields.

That "that" was one of the few smiles I was rewarded for, for taking all the bullshit and not reacting to it.

Like a God-damn reminder that love is closely followed by pain, anger, depression, hate and all those fucking pessimistic ideas and/or thoughts that would eventually rise up from fucking nowhere.

That smiling would stop people from asking too many questions you can't answer yourself.

"Oh Dan, you'll get over it."

I did. Took me six months to get over it.

I don't think this is Karma from before or punishment.

Timing was just really, really bad.

"Parang ang payat mo dito, bud. Were you on anything?" - I wished.
The darkest times of my life. I thought I was going to lose my friends. Some actually avoided me just because I was down and problematic all the time. Thanks.

"Akala kasi namin lagi mong kasama kaya di ka na naaya." - You could've just told me.

"You just vanished." - Sorry.
Not going to happen again. Now I'm fucking thousands of miles away to realize the the friends I needed was the bastards back home.

Going on, I went on and concentrated with my new found friends. Who did not help in any way possible to at least reassure me that everything was going to be alright. Except one.

Of all of them, Clarisse was the only one who made sense.
I'm not mad at anyone, frustrated, angry or what anyone might think. This topic has died ages ago.

Why post it? The title. Try to understand. Don't react to every word you get to read.

"Why is that you're the one who always had to break it off?"
"Sus, babalikan mo rin yan."
"Nanggago ka nanaman ng babae."

And my favorite, "Pustahan, bag di mo binalikan ng two months, libre kita. Drink all you can!" - Nanalo ako. Magbabayad ka.

Continuing, I tried to share. I was already overflowing with emotions, I couldn't control it.
"Mababa EQ ni Dan, no?" - Nice.. I figured you're not going to help me anyway since she was your friend.

All I had with me every night was two 500ml bottles of beer, a pack of cigarettes and a story I couldn't tell.

You want to know how it ended?
All I needed was the push. I had the conviction, but I didn't know how to do it. I needed the guts.
As I said, it can be bought. Was 33 pesos a pop. Must take more than required for full effect. I chugged as many as i can.. Four bottles did the trick. I took some more just in case.

State at least 3 Conclusions:
I therefore conclude that I do not want to stoop down as the same level of dirt everytime she felt like it.
I therefore conclude how bad it was to be with someone who throws all the effort back to my face.
I therefore conclude that respect was needed on my behalf because I was running on empty.

That's it. I don't want to go to the detailed part. It sickens me.
When i think about it, this trip of mine is an extended vacation.

Satisfied?
To people who probably might misinterpret this, you're stupid.

Injured beyond repair

I'm not capable of holding too many emotions, thoughts and feelings inside of me.
Eventually, I'm going to explode.

This is the only place where my mind can roam freely.
Thoughts flutter until a sentence is built.
Sentences that leaves me perplexed.
"Why does it always have to end with a question mark?"

Obviously, it's a question.

"No answers?"

Tough luck, bud. Find it yourself.

It's always going to be like this. One day, one post will come where it's not going to be a problem.
When's that going to arrive?
--
Here I am, typing my heart out. Because here, I'm more vulnerable, I'm more open. What I can't explain to people personally, is expressed better here.

Yes. Like talking to someone who's an avid listener to my thoughts and words.
So let me ask you;

Why is thinking how much I need you is stressing me out?
Why is she the only one taking away that stress?
Why is that I miss you so much, the world seems depopulated?

Why do I feel like I'm the only one being serious here?

Why does my day have to end up miserable every time?

I was having a care-free day today. Reading that took it all away.
I'm not limiting myself from being happy.
It's just that sometimes, I think I don't deserve it.

This is it

Sitting.
And I can see her.

No one to talk to.
Not that I'm looking for a conversation, I'm always like this.
Suddenly hushing down, quietly observing the people around me..

Observing her.

I'm missing her. She's just an arms-length distance from me but somehow, missing her is enough for me.
Somehow. But I'm not content. I need something more than this one-sided affection. I'm a guy, I should make the first move.

Fuck that.

What happened a couple of years ago will happen again. I'm letting it go, I'm letting her slip away.

I think that's fine with me. If everything has it's place in this world, then..

I want that place to be in between her arms.

But this is all just talk.
I'm getting sick of it.
I'm getting tired of it.

Soon, I'm going to give up and I know it'll turn out alright.

I think. I don't know. I have no answers to these questions.
Even if I had one, I'm too afraid to do something about it.

I was happy the whole day but I had to make myself feel miserable again..
This has to end soon. The feelings, the infatuation, the need;

"I'll do it my own way like I use to."

--

But then again. I felt like she was helping me let go of her.
It's that Godly intuition again. Like a jolt of electricity ran through my brain, processed my feelings and at that moment, I let go of those feelings for a millisecond.

Like the quote; "The goodbye that my ears never heard."

Because for that little moment, I felt it. She was distant. It felt alright but I don't know if I should be happy about that. Another confusion.