October 6, 2009. 2:45 pm. Western time.
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You want to talk about it? How about let everyone else read it.
You want to know why i keep this?
It's to remind me that not everything is an easy stroll through the fields.
That "that" was one of the few smiles I was rewarded for, for taking all the bullshit and not reacting to it.
Like a God-damn reminder that love is closely followed by pain, anger, depression, hate and all those fucking pessimistic ideas and/or thoughts that would eventually rise up from fucking nowhere.
That smiling would stop people from asking too many questions you can't answer yourself.
"Oh Dan, you'll get over it."
I did. Took me six months to get over it.
I don't think this is Karma from before or punishment.
Timing was just really, really bad.
"Parang ang payat mo dito, bud. Were you on anything?" - I wished.
The darkest times of my life. I thought I was going to lose my friends. Some actually avoided me just because I was down and problematic all the time. Thanks.
"Akala kasi namin lagi mong kasama kaya di ka na naaya." - You could've just told me.
"You just vanished." - Sorry.
Not going to happen again. Now I'm fucking thousands of miles away to realize the the friends I needed was the bastards back home.
Going on, I went on and concentrated with my new found friends. Who did not help in any way possible to at least reassure me that everything was going to be alright. Except one.
Of all of them, Clarisse was the only one who made sense.
I'm not mad at anyone, frustrated, angry or what anyone might think. This topic has died ages ago.
Why post it? The title. Try to understand. Don't react to every word you get to read.
"Why is that you're the one who always had to break it off?"
"Sus, babalikan mo rin yan."
"Nanggago ka nanaman ng babae."
And my favorite, "Pustahan, bag di mo binalikan ng two months, libre kita. Drink all you can!" - Nanalo ako. Magbabayad ka.
Continuing, I tried to share. I was already overflowing with emotions, I couldn't control it.
"Mababa EQ ni Dan, no?" - Nice.. I figured you're not going to help me anyway since she was your friend.
All I had with me every night was two 500ml bottles of beer, a pack of cigarettes and a story I couldn't tell.
You want to know how it ended?
All I needed was the push. I had the conviction, but I didn't know how to do it. I needed the guts.
As I said, it can be bought. Was 33 pesos a pop. Must take more than required for full effect. I chugged as many as i can.. Four bottles did the trick. I took some more just in case.
State at least 3 Conclusions:
I therefore conclude that I do not want to stoop down as the same level of dirt everytime she felt like it.
I therefore conclude how bad it was to be with someone who throws all the effort back to my face.
I therefore conclude that respect was needed on my behalf because I was running on empty.
That's it. I don't want to go to the detailed part. It sickens me.
When i think about it, this trip of mine is an extended vacation.
Satisfied?
To people who probably might misinterpret this, you're stupid.
